To achieve a level 7 or above grade, it is important to be able to edit your own work, and this involves not only being able to spot errors but also to recognize where you can improve the coherence and range of language used. The descriptors for bands 7 and 8 are given below to give you an idea of what you need to be looking for when you assess your work. The aim is to allow you to practice analysing the language used so that you can become more familiar with the range of language required for level 7 and above.
Analysis of an Academic Essay:
Band | Task response | Coherence & cohesion | Lexical resource | Grammatical response & accuracy |
8 | sufficiently addresses all parts of the task presents a well-developed response to the question with | sequences information and ideas logically manages all aspects of cohesion well uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately | uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to skilfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation | uses a wide range of structures the majority of sentences are error-free makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies |
7 | addresses all parts of the task presents a clear position throughout the response presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may | logically organises information and ideas; there is clear uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use presents a clear central topic within each paragraph | uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some uses less common lexical items with some awareness of may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling | uses a variety of complex structures produces frequent error-free sentences has good control of grammar and punctuation but may |
Below is the first half of a task 2 academic essay requiring you to describe benefits and risks (the second half will be covered next week) on the subject of nuclear power. Read the first half of the essay and then decide what changes would you make to the underlined parts, and what you would add for the … parts.
We have been living in the nuclear age now for over half a century. Since the first atomic bombs were developed, nuclear technology has provided governments with the ability to totally destroy the planet. Yet the technology has been put to positive use as an energy source and in certain areas of medicine. To what extent is nuclear technology a danger to life on Earth? What are the benefits and risks associated with its use?
Paragraph 1
It is true to say that nuclear technology 1. gives both advantages and disadvantages 2. to our planet 3 but in my opinion 4. ………… 5. there are still more risks according to use of the technology.
Paragraph 2
On the one hand, there are several benefits associated with its use. Nuclear power is a relatively sustainable energy source, 6. which could replace the use of natural resources such as coal, gas or oil. So it can be used to produce electricity without wasting natural resources. In addition, nuclear power stations are cleaner than fossil fuel 7. one so they 8. could are much helpful to the planet as they reduce carbon emissions which 9. mainly cause global warming.
( Can you think of an alternative way of rewriting this sentence beginning with:
‘A further advantage over fossil fuels is that nuclear power plants do not emit carbon dioxide, ………………………’.)
10…………………………………………………………………….
Analysis
Paragraph 1
It is true to say that nuclear technology . has both advantages and disadvantages….’’
Suggested alternative: ‘….. that nuclear technology. offers both advantages and disadvantages…’
Explanation: ’has’ is also acceptable but ‘offers’ might impress the examiners more.
‘….. both advantages and disadvantages .to our planet.’
Suggested alternative: ‘….both advantages and disadvantages . for our planet.’
Explanation: straightforward preposition error.
and 4 ‘….advantages and disadvantages for our planet but in my opinion..’
Suggested alternative: ‘…..advantages and disadvantages for our planet. In my opinion while we cannot turn our back on the undoubted benefits that nuclear technology can bring…’
Explanation: Rather than continue the sentence with ‘but’, starting a new sentence with ‘In my opinion’ allows the writer to use ‘while’ as a linking word and to make clear that she accepts that there are significant advantages as well as risks with nuclear power.
‘…. there are still more risks according to use of the technology’.
Suggested alternative: ‘…the risks mean we should be extremely cautious in how we use this technology.
Explanation: i) ‘more risks’ is incorrect here as no specific risks have been previously mentioned to justify the use of ‘more’; ii) ‘according to’ is also incorrectly used – this phrase is used to show the source of your information; e.g. ‘According to today’s newspapers, food prices are going to rise quite a lot in the next few month’; iii) the adjectival phrase ’extremely cautious’ will help to add to the writer’s score for lexical range.
Paragraph 2
6.’ …..relatively sustainable energy source, which could replace the use of natural resources such as coal, gas or oil. So, it can be used to produce electricity without wasting natural resources.
Suggested alternative: ‘relatively sustainable energy source unlike the fossil fuels, coal, gas and oil, which we have relied on since the Industrial Revolution to generate electricity.
Explanation: i) The alternative version states the intended meaning more clearly and concisely. ii) The use of the linking word ‘unlike’ helps to widen the range of sentences used, and, similarly, using the present perfect, ‘we have relied on’ , shows the examiner that you can use this verb form correctly.
. ‘In addition, nuclear power stations are cleaner than fossil fuel .one
Suggested alternative: In addition, nuclear power stations are cleaner than fossil fuel .ones
Explanation: straightforward but common error of using ‘one’ instead of ‘ones’
‘so they could are much helpful to the planet.’
Suggested alternative: ‘ so they are much more environmentally-friendly’
Explanation: i) basic error of using a modal + are ii) ‘much’ is not equivalent to ‘very’ – it needs to be followed by a comparative form iii) ‘ ‘the planet ‘ has already been used so to show lexical range the adjective phrase ‘environmentally-friendly’ is used.
‘as they reduce carbon emissions which mainly cause global warming.’
Suggested alternative: ‘as they reduce carbon emissions, the main cause of global warming.’
Explanation: i) note the use of the comma. ii) ‘the main cause’ expresses the intended meaning more clearly.
Alternative sentence: ‘A further advantage over fossil fuels is that nuclear power plants do not emit carbon dioxide, the main cause of global warming.’
Explanation – This is more concise than the original.
…………………………………………………………………….
Suggested alternative: ‘The world of medicine also offers powerful examples of how nuclear technology can improve our lives. To take just one example, PET scans, used in medical examinations would not be possible without the knowledge of the atomic nucleus gained by scientists in the last 50 years’
Explanation: As medicine is mentioned in the question, it would be a good idea to include an example from the medical world. Also, a further example makes the use of ‘several benefits’ more natural in the topic sentence.
Amended version
It is true to say that nuclear technology offers both advantages and disadvantages for our planet. In my opinion, while we cannot turn our back on the undoubted benefits that nuclear technology can bring, the risks mean we should be extremely cautious in how we use this technology
On the one hand, I accept that there are several benefits associated with its use. Nuclear power is a relatively sustainable energy source, unlike the fossil fuels, coal, gas, and oil, which we have relied on since the Industrial Revolution to generate electricity. A further advantage over fossil fuels is that nuclear power plants do not emit carbon dioxide, the main cause of global warming. The world of medicine also offers powerful examples of how nuclear technology can improve our lives. To take just one example, PET scans, used in medical examinations would not be possible without the knowledge of the atomic nucleus gained by scientists in the last 50 years.
We will analyze the second half of this essay next week.
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