This article continues the analysis of the below IELTS essay asking you to give your opinion on whether you think the current age is the best age to live in. Read the second half of the essay and then decide what changes would you make to the underlined parts.
Topic: Advances in science and technology and other areas of society in the last 100 years have transformed the way we live as well as postponing the day we die. There is no better time to be alive than now.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Paragraph 3
Another advantage is that we now expect to live longer than the past due to (1) developed in science. In the past, (2) it was not able to experiment on developing new medicines because of a lack (3) in knowledge, equipment and skills, whereas nowadays even though there are many kinds of disease (4) but majority of them can be (5) cured by modern science technology with highly improved medical treatment and equipment. Moreover, (6) our scientists in the world have been making effort to (7) find out undeveloped treatment and medications in order to (8) cure new types of disease and viruses. (9) Likewise, it is obviously beneficial for people to have better medical treatment and accordingly the average life expectancy is continuously increased.
Conclusion
For the reasons mentioned above, I agree that the improvement in science and technology (10) makes people
to
have more advantages in our daily lives.
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Analysis
Paragraph 3
(1) ‘we now expect to live longer than the past due to developed in science’
Suggested alternative: ‘…due to recent developments in the fields of medicine and health care.’
Explanation: ‘due to’ needs to be followed by a noun phrase; ‘the fields of medicine and health care’ provide a more specific explanation than ‘science’.
(2) ‘In the past, it was not able to experiment on developing new medicines’
Suggested alternative: ‘… it was possible to carry out research and development on new medicines’
Explanation: ‘empty ‘it’ cannot be used with ‘able to; ‘experiment on ..’ is usually followed by, for
example
‘rats’, and cannot be followed by ‘developing’.
(3) ‘because of a lack
in
knowledge,
equipment
and skills,’
Suggested alternative: ‘ because of a lack of knowledge,
equipment
and skills,’
Explanation: straightforward error with choice of preposition.
(4) ‘whereas nowadays even though there are many kinds of disease, but
majority
of them can be cured…’
Suggested alternative: ‘whereas nowadays even though there are many kinds of disease, many of them can be cured…’
Explanation: ‘but’ should not be added as ‘whereas’ is used at the beginning of the clause; ‘the majority’ is grammatically OK, but unless the writer knows that over 50% of all known diseases can be now cured, ‘many’ is more accurate.
(5) ‘ …can be cured by modern science technology with highly improved medical treatment and equipment.’
Suggested alternative: ‘can be treated or even cured thanks to scientific and technological advances in medical treatment and equipment.’,
Explanation: adding the verb ‘treat’ is not only more accurate but also enables the writer to show that the difference between ‘treat’ and ‘cure’ is understood; the rephrasing of the rest of the clause is to avoid the unnatural ‘cured by …technology’ and uncommon ‘highly improved’.
(6) ‘Moreover, our scientists in the world have been making effort to…’
Suggested alternative: ‘Moreover, scientists worldwide have been making efforts to…’
Explanation: ‘our’ is unnecessary and ‘worldwide’ is more likely to be used by a native speaker; ‘effort’ is a countable noun so either ’
make
an effort’ or ‘making efforts’ is required.
(7) ‘to find out undeveloped treatment and medications’
Suggested alternative: to discover new treatments and medications
Explanation: as well as being a phrasal verb and therefore more common in spoken English, ‘find out’ doesn’t convey the idea of research behind the ‘finding’ as ‘discover’ can do; ’medicines ‘ would also be possible – for reference here is an explanation of the difference between ‘medicine’ and ‘medication’: the medicine is the preparation used by the doctor in the treatment of the disease whereas medication is the substance used in the preparation of the medicine’.
(8) ‘in order to cure new types of disease and viruses.’
Suggested alternative: in order to more effectively fight new types of disease and viruses.’
Explanation: ‘treat or cure’ would be ideal but to avoid repetition, ’more effectively fight ‘has been used.
(9) ‘Likewise, it is obviously beneficial for people to have better medical treatment and accordingly the average life expectancy is continuously increased.’
Suggested alternative: omit the whole sentence
Explanation: ‘Likewise’ and ‘accordingly’ are used wrongly; while the use of the phrases ‘obviously beneficial’ and ‘average life expectancy’ are good examples of more advanced vocabulary. But, as the overall meaning seems to be simply restating the topic sentence and adds nothing, the best option is to simply omit the sentence.
Conclusion
(10) For the reasons mentioned above, I agree that the improvement in science and technology makes people
to
