Swoosh English Ielts Student Essay: Task 5

Hello IELTS students,

Do you agree IELTS writing can be difficult to get a band score 7+?

Let’s make things easier for you by showing you one of our students’ answers as well as the corrections and feedback!

Can you improve this answer? What did the student do incorrectly?
The current population rising started approximately in the begginingbeginning of (or even before) of the 20th century both in developing and already developed countries. Its “averageness” tends to be a steady small increase in developed countries meanwhile it’s a rather massive increase in currently developing areas of the world, however not in all of them.
With the current steady overall population increase, no wonder that it became such a big problem for all humanity. This cContinuous rise will(already) result in far fewer less resources for overall humanity especially for peoples in vulneralble vulnerable areas, what in turn could/result in increased disease/death rates and the coming back of already “beaten” pathogens due to lack of vaccination and favourable  environment for them. Lack of health education also pays a big part of the spreading infections in large stuffed communities who usually does not have basic necessarities necessities like private bathroom/room towels or even water.
Also beacuse because of large masses of uneducated, living under basic conditions people tend to (obviously who’s not) fall for good promises and or religious out speechesing under local “liberators”, or dictators who also poses large risks for not just themself themselves but to other parts of the world with large amount of “chess peasants”.
Overall I i think if not the most but certainly overpopulation isf one of the biggest problems/dangers for humanity in the current decade especially coupled with the overusee/polluting of the earth and natural resource depletion at in the current rate.
Oliver, the question asks for the causes of overpopulation, not the results of it. Your introduction needs to give a clear idea of what your essay will be about, and your first paragraph needs to discuss the causes of the population rise. Your third paragraph could include some of the points you have made about the dangers of overpopulation. Unfortunately, since you didn’t answer half the question you cannot get more than a 5 for task achievement, and since there is no clear progression of argument, the coherence and cohesion score would be lower as well. These are issues that are very easy to fix, and I think you are capable of writing a good IELTS essay, but you need to listen carefully when we discuss the question in class. ~5.5
We have an exercise for you based on this essay question. Post your answers below and we will provide you with feedback.

Q: Choose one sentence in this essay and see if you can write a better sentence than this. Remember to use uncommon vocabulary, good grammar, and punctuation. Good luck!

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